If Kindergarten were like Social Media Marketing

What if we ran kindergarten classes with the same rules as social media marketing?

  • Children are encouraged to make at least one drawing or painting every day. Refrigerator art goes stale quickly and you want to stay top-of-mind with your parents.
  • Rachel Davis, the most popular girl in class, writes an eBook explaining how other kids can get popular too. It’s well received from pre-K through third grade, but although it contains clear examples and actionable advice, somehow the unpopular kids still never get invited to the cool kids’ slumber parties.
  • Little enterprising Genevieve Morrow puts Google ads on her fingerpaintings, but they don’t generate enough cash even to cover her candy necklace habit. She finally starts making real money when she converts her afternoon lemonade stand to resell Thesis WordPress themes to second graders looking to enhance their personal brand.
  • Children are admonished that having a lot of friends is not as important as having a few genuine friends who will play with you even after you throw up all over the good blocks in front of the whole entire class. The children agree in principle but little Patrick still cries when he gets only three stickers in his Valentine’s Day booklet.
  • Learning that making nice comments about people helps forge relationships, little Bobby Gray compliments the entire kickball team. He is denied the coveted spot and earns the nickname “Bobby Bootlicker.”
  • Teachers explain that “What I did on summer vacation” doesn’t grab attention. Better is something actionable (“Five ways to have fun on summer vacation”) or provocative (“Why waterparks are more dangerous than you think”) or something personally relatable (“What Dora the Explora won’t tell you about summer vacation”).
  • After a stern lecture on the value of being honest and real, little Bobby Neuman courageously admits that during recess he pooed his pants and buried the evidence in the gravel under the blue slide. His bravery is not met with the loving acceptance the teacher had promised.

OK, class, what have we learned?

Leave a comment and join the fun!

  • These rules are written to be bent… and Kindergarten kids, haven’t yet learned to bend them, (we have thought them not to bend).

    Its a Grey world out there not Black and White.

  • Sharon Summers

    As is touted in postmodernity … no more does the devil come with a tail in a red suit. God I love your blogs, you’re such a breath of fresh air. I send them on to everyone I know in the mental health field AND marketing. Btw … noticed your wife hasn’t been adding to her blog lately … I miss that. Anyway, keep these coming – you’re my favourite social media philosopher!

  • Thanks for this fun, stimulating and at the same time highly educational post

  • Jason

    @Sharon — After being up for 24 hours trying to soothe a fussy newborn, your comment really made my "day," if I could still distinguish between days… :-) Thanks!

  • Emily

    OK, class, what have we learned? That’s it’s never too cheap to reinforce the use of "gay" as a pejorative. Would you have even dared to write the following?

    "Rick Ortiz compliments every male member of the good kickball team. He is denied the coveted spot and earns the nickname ‘Rick the Spic.’"

    Of course not.

    Yeah, it’s satire. Yeah, I’m totally missing the point of the post. Still, it sucks to get an unexpected slap in the face first thing in the morning.

  • Jason

    @Emily — Yeah, I hesitated to write that for that very reason. You’re right.

    Although it’s also true that when we can laugh at pejoratives, we know the pejorative has lost its power. I hope that’s true anyway.

  • OK, class, what have we learned?
    We have learned that instead of doing what other people tell you, you should roll-up your sleeves and start doing the actual work instead of just looking at people people who has done it… that we need to stop "observing" and start "doing", and that having "followers" is not as having friends… and that reading and following successful people does not mean you are or are going to become one, etc… nice.

    I think is too early for me still…. I need café!!!

  • PJ

    If you want to get rid of the gay bit change it to be ‘Bobby’ who compliments them and becomes ‘ Bobby Bootlicker’. (‘Sammy the Sycophant’ actually sounded better but seemed slightly less likely for kindergarteners)

  • Jason

    I like PJ’s idea, so it’s been changed!

    It doesn’t play quite as nicely of course, but it’s a good compromise between having fun and being offensive. That’s a worthy trade. Thanks all.

  • You really gave me a good laugh!

    So, already thinking of kindergardens?

  • Ina

    Well put, Jason: ))

  • And hopefully, no running with scissors; if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all; bring enough cookies to share with the entire class; everybody gets picked for a team; naptimes are sometimes very refreshing; etc. etc….

  • Emily

    Thanks Jason :)

  • Rodney

    I like the idea that students explain something relatable just like what Chery Clausen said on her post Should My Lead Generation Marketing Center Around Networking. The reason most kindergartens embarrass themselves at class is because they completely misunderstand the objective of networking.

    Thanks for the great post!

  • Mary

    Great blog. I just found it through another site. Glad I did….thanks for the funny piece.